So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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