I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
