Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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