I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
