I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
handjob tips. give me some.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
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