I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
I did not marry a roomba.
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