There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
