I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
