I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
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