Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
