walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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