if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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