if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
