I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
