Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
