I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
