be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
