So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
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