So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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