Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
