Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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