dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
you made out with another girl for some wings
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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