Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
