but the lizard people decide everything anyway
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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