im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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