just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
