He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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