my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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