I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
