forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
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