I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
