you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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