my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize