So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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