i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Randomize
