you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
