Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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