She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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