i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
