This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Randomize
