; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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