you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
