false alarm. still invincible.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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