Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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