pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
