His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
