it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
