Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
