i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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