We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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