Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
