Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
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