I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
