Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
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