thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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